Calm, peace, and quiet
They weren’t the only reasons he was there but some of the main ones. Staring out of his broken window in his run-down apartment. He would have bought a better house if it weren’t for his financial issues along with many other problems. Going through everything that happened in the day, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
He was done. He was physically and mentally exhausted now. He was a zombie the entire day; waking up, working, and returning home. He tried to smile but it was near to impossible for him now. He couldn’t find a reason to smile. Nothing in his life was on the bright side. He hadn’t had a proper meal for a month now. He had the money for it but just looking at food disgusted him.
‘Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to smile and laugh like the others’. He’d stopped having such thoughts a long time ago. What’s the use, he thought, as he let go of the little hope he had left. He wasn’t suicidal but sometimes, he did get suicidal thoughts. Living without hope, one can’t even imagine how difficult that must be. You have nothing to look forward to along with no reason to get up daily.
What happened to the boy he was? What happened to that cheerful, jolly boy he was? When nothing anyone said bothered him. When he could go to bed without having negative thoughts till 4 am. When he could eat his meals and not have to urge to puke it all out. Most of all, when he could smile naively, without a care in the world.
He guessed that that boy just died. As he grew older, things changed. His parents didn’t support him when he came out as gay and kicked him out. An 18-year-old with too little experience, he was lost in this big world.
As time went by, he learned how to live in this world but with that, came a negative side effect. His mental health started deteriorating. He no longer was excited by a sale in his favourite store or sad when his favourite character died. It was like he had lost his ability to feel. Numb to all, with no emotions, he lived his dull life plainly.
With the loss of emotions and depression, he lost his concentration. He wasn’t able to focus properly on his work and was fired. Roaming around without an aim, he was given a job at Target as a cashier.
Staring at the mirror was also now impossible for him. When he looked at the mirror, all he saw was the reflection of a broken person. A broken person with such bad insomnia that he had permanent dark circles under his eyes. A broken person who was so thin, his ribs could be seen clearly.
It had gotten so bad to a point where he couldn’t even pretend to be alright anymore. Earlier, he could pretend in front of his so-called friends and they would be convinced he was fine but, as time passed, he couldn’t pretend, and unsurprisingly, he lost all his friends.
There was a time when all he wanted was someone he could rely on. Someone with whom he could share all his problems without the fear of getting judged. Someone who would be there to pick him up when he was broken. Now, he’d lost hope and believed no one could help him anymore. He believed he was too deep in this depression which was his closest friend. At least his depression didn’t judge him and let him be whoever he wanted to be.
He knew it wasn’t healthy to be depressed for a long time. He knew that when depressed, one should consult a doctor. He knew he should try and talk to other people. He knew he should follow his hobbies and passion and do things that made him happy. He knew that he should try and eat sometimes. He knew that once in a while he should take some sleeping pills and sleep. He knew he should fight against his negative thoughts. He knew all but he didn’t do anything because he knew there wasn’t anyone out there who cared about him and how he was. ‘So why should I bother about it’, he thought.
And even after all the external problems he faces in the real world, he had to fight a battle with his mind. He had an ongoing battle going inside his brain, where the negative side was winning. He was losing the strength to fight every day as all the negative thoughts bundled up against him. In all, he was tired. Tired of all these constant fights he had to face. Tired of seeing other people mock him for what he was going through. Tired of the self-pity he gave himself. Tired of waiting for something to happen, some miracle, when he knew that nothings ever gonna happen. Tired of dying every single day. Sometimes, he wondered why he couldn’t be like all the other people out there and then thought that maybe, he didn’t deserve all that. But somewhere deep inside his heart, he knew that that wasn’t right and he deserved a lot more credit than what he actually gave himself. If only that part would come out and speak up.
It was the middle of the night and he, as usual, couldn’t sleep and so, was at his favourite spot, his broken window. It was the only place where he didn’t have to hear other people’s constant comments like ‘try smiling sometimes’, ‘why don’t you ever smile’ or ‘you’re too thin and thin men don’t look good’. There was no one here who would judge him.
He shed a tear with these deep thoughts, and as he did so, he felt a raindrop kiss his cheek. Many more drops fell as the sky cried out its sorrows with him. He closed his eyes and let the distant and cold night guide him and his thoughts.
